So this is my song for the week.
“No no turning back now
I wanna be pushed aside so let me go
No no turning back now
Let me take back my life I’d rather be all alone
No turning back now
Anywhere on my own cause I can see
No no turning back now
The very worst part of you
The very worst part of you is ME”
I’m at the angry and frustrated stage of all this. The divorce isn’t happening fast enough for me.
One thing I have realized is how much I did for him and how little it was helping. Now that he has to do everything for himself the dishes are getting done, he’s ordering his own medication and making his own appointments. He’s finally taking responsibility for his life. Honestly, getting divorced is better for both of us.
I just want to move on to the next stage of my life. I want to get my shit together and take on the world! I feel like he’s doing everything in his power to prevent me from doing just that. So I’m at the angry stage.
Over the course of our relationship many things happened that I just ignored or dismissed although I shouldn’t have. That’s on me, though. I didn’t really jump into this relationship blindly. I also didn’t expect that things would get worse even though he was seeing his therapist regularly and (mostly) on his meds. Here’s a few of the things I ignored:
Thing 1: He was unemployed and not looking for work.
My husband (I’ll call him M) and I met because we worked together. He went out on disability and I soon left the job and we managed to hook up. He didn’t have a job and had no source of income. NEVER date someone who doesn’t have a job. I knew this, but I was unemployed at the time too so it only seemed fair.
Thing 2: He’s always the victim, never the perpetrator.
We went to Funtown with some friends and their kids. We all, except M, decided we wanted to go to the water park. ALL of us went to the car and put stuff in the trunk INCLUDING our cell phones. We certainly didn’t want them to accidentally get wet. M was all set with this and we went back into the park. He took the time to go on the rides he wanted. When he was done he came into the water park but couldn’t find us. We were all over the place but by that time I was chilling at the kiddie pool.
So he called us.
Each and every one of us.
Our phones were still in the trunk.
When we made our way out he was livid. He went into the park to get the souvenir he wanted and dictated we were going home.
I didn’t get to go on any of the rides I wanted. He didn’t care. He was done and we were leaving.
Now I’m livid.
When we got home we had an all out yelling match. I told him he ruined my day and I didn’t want to be around him. I stayed in the bedroom playing video games while he and his son were gaming on the computer in the other room.
M is in therapy, has been for a while. Here’s the kicker. As far as M was concerned, we hid from him. He was the victim. His therapist even confirmed this for him. Yeah, great way to help him with his issues by feeding them. Great job Mr. Therapist.
This was not the first angry overreaction and certainly wouldn’t be his last.
Thing 3. He got mad at a PlayStation game and destroyed the controller.
Thing 4. He has been in the hospital 3 or 4 times (I’m losing count) due to health issues resulting from not taking his medications.
Thing 5. I feel like everything has to be done HIS way.
My opinion didn’t matter. These were mostly little things and it was just easier to give him what he wanted than fight over inconsequential stuff.
Thing 6. We didn’t fight. Even the story above we didn’t really fight. I yelled and he didn’t care.
Thing 7: He didn’t care that his ring tone irked me.
There’s no explanation for why it bothers me so much, but when I told him it was really grating on my nerves he didn’t change it.
Thing 8: He events reasons to destroy friendships and relationships.
I think that’s enough for now. I may add to this post later. Right now it is 2 AM and I promised my mother I’d spend the day with her. I need my sleep!
The music I have been listening to this week is mostly Shinedown, Linkin Park, Disturbed, Seether and Avenged Sevenfold among others. I have added some Three Days Grace and Breaking Ben to the mix. Here’s an angry song to close the post:
This video cracks me up.
I am so looking forward to the day I will never have to see him again.
Remember, I’m OK. Really. I’m happier than I have been in a long time despite the current situation at home. Hope is powerful and freeing. Knowing you are dong the right thing no matter the cost makes the whole thing worthwhile.