Life with a Mentally Ill person

I’m OK.

Really.

Life with a mentally ill person can be difficult. There’s a lot of memes and such going around about how “normal” people don’t understand what it is like.  While this is true, there is so much more.

I married a man with mental illness. At the time it was manageable. I didn’t foresee that it would get worse.

It did.

And that is what this page will be about. My experiences with a severely depressed husband whom I am now trying to divorce. He’s angry and being difficult. I understand, but I’m not going to put up with it.

I fight with my own depression. Mine typically presents itself as apathy. It’s probably why I stayed married to him for the last few years. I didn’t realize how unhappy I was until after I asked for a divorce. My friends have been there for me but I don’t reach out.

I don’t share.

I don’t want people to know what I’m thinking or feeling.

This needs to change at least a little bit.

I’ve turned to music to help me get through this time.  There are a few songs that really hit me and help. I need to open up. I need to vent. I need to cry and to scream. I need help.

Iridescent by Linkin Park

The chorus really hits me.

Do you feel cold and lost in desperation? You build up hope but failure’s all you’ve known. Remember all the sadness and frustration. And let it go.

Let it go.

I don’t do that. I hold it in. I’ve played this song on repeat so many times. And I can’t say why, but it’s really helped me to just break down and let it out. But I do this when I’m alone. Sometimes I think I just need a big hug. I think this is the 5th time I’ve listened to this song tonight. I lose count. (I’m up to 7 now and have moved onto other songs)

But mostly, I’m angry.

I’m angry that he hasn’t moved out. I’m angry that he couldn’t just do this quick and easy and had to get a lawyer to “protect his rights”.  We don’t have much more than a mountain of debt but there’s a house and a car and I honestly don’t know what he wants.

He won’t talk to me. Story of our marriage really. (more on that later)

So, I’m angry. I need loud, powerful, intense music.

Angry is bad. With angry comes spite and that is currently counter-productive.

Shinedown – Asking for it

This is my favorite song on the new album which is pretty much a big Fuck You.

So Fuck You.

Avenged Sevenfold is on my playlist, but mostly because they are hard and loud. Nightmare is my favorite A7 song in case you wanted to know.

Theory of a Deadman – Hate my Life

This one is just a lot of fun to just scream, I mean sing, out loud.

This has helped. Thank you.

More to come…..

Audra.

I’m OK.  Really. Bring on the loud music.